August 2025: Bais Abraham's Gan Zissa
In mid-May, 2025, two-plus months after Jessica's death, Rabbi Eliezer Finkelstein of Bais Abraham Congregation in St. Louis, Jessica's shul ("synagogue" in Yiddish), called me to say that the congregation had decided to honor her by dedicating and naming their back garden after her, in appreciation for all of her work over the years to beautify the front garden of the shul and more. Our family (Sheryl, me, Rachel, plus the grandsons) were floored but really honored.
At an end-of-summer (August 17th) BBQ at Bais Abe, there was a dedication of "Gan Zissa" ("Gan" is Hebrew for garden (e.g., Gan Eden) and Zissa was her Hebrew/Yiddish name (which means "sweet").) Six of us came into town: Rachel, Jonathan, Sheryl, Rafael, and me (David) from Maryland, and Noah from Chicago. (Mary Nora was unable to make it.)
It was an oppressively hot St. Louis summer day, with a temperature of 96° and a heat index of 107 (really high humidity) [35.5C and 41.7C, respectively], so the decision was made to move the party indoors, after people had a chance to admire the garden (for flowers and vegetables).
At the gathering, the rabbi, David, and Rachel each offered remarks about the dedication. The rabbi had come to Bais Abe as its leader about a year earlier, in August 2024.
Rabbi Finkelstein's remarks
At the end of the summer we come together, we have a nice barbecue. On a cooler day we can be outside and on a hotter day we can be inside. But coming back after the summer and being together and just doing something social, not that it doesn't have religious meaning, but that also can help us get closer together.
[We are here today] because we want to dedicate our garden. So for those of you who don't know, Jessica Friedlander was a long-time member. Most of you probably do know, because she was here every Shabbos and she was incredibly friendly and warm and welcoming. I only knew her and had the pleasure of knowing her for a few months. And every time I saw her, she was incredibly friendly for me and for the kids. And every time I called her on the phone, she'd say, "Make sure to say hi to your kids for me."
She'd have an incredibly welcoming face at a time when my family and I were just getting used to the community. A nice guidepost for us to know that Jessica was here, that she would be the most friendly out of an incredibly friendly city.
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Some people may not know that Jessica was responsible for a lot of the gardening in the front of the shul. If I remember correctly, if it was in my notes correctly, her father was a self-taught gardener.
And she took that skill and gave it, donated her time and her energy to the shul. Which was never a burden, as what was told to me, was never a burden for her. It was always a labor of love, a way of giving back to the community, of making sure that our shul looked beautiful.
And so when we were thinking about ways that our shul could honor her memory, we thought about the back garden. The back garden has grown in the last few years, especially this last year. It's a garden that is a communal garden, a shul garden, our family's garden. And so we have an opportunity to grow that garden. In the last year, specifically, Rebecca Swartz has a great interest in growing that garden, planting that garden. [applause]
(Other voices): Yay, Rebecca!
Rebecca: All my helpers.
Rabbi: She will give credit to all of her helpers. I will give credit also with Donya McCarvey, who also did a lot of effort in that. And then her two helpers get here. And Nani and her children, Arya and Yael. And the other children, Joey and Callie, I think, helped also.
Rebecca: And Alicia.
Rabbi: Alicia helped also with the weeding. So many people helped in this garden, but...
Rebecca: And more are always welcome.
Rabbi: And more are always welcome. It's in The Schmooze. If you want to help in the garden, you can always reach out and be helpful in the garden.
Rebecca: A cool day of the fall for the fall work day.
Rabbi: Yes, a less hot day.And it's one of those things, I never had a garden growing up, but I never, in the effort of building a garden, all of my plants at the custom school all died.
But seeing how that garden grew over the course of a few months, from just a simple dirt patch, all the various fruits and vegetables that grew there, and the flowers that grew there, the amount of joy it brought my children to be there, and make sure to water the plants today. "We want to come help," "we want to come throw water everywhere," and "we want to take the vegetables in before they're all ripe," and how much benefit it's brought to our shul, not just from an aesthetic perspective, but also from an actual perspective, that we have salads that were from the cucumbers, we have dill and mint and basil, and tomatoes and squash, and peppers, so many different fruits and vegetables, and even in the heat and of course, we get some of our plants. We see how many fruits and vegetables and flowers have still maintained themselves in the heat. Hopefully it cools down, we'll come back.
And it really is a legacy to Jessica who inspired that sense of the shul having a garden, of a shul beautifying itself and giving back to the shul in that way. That is part of Jessica's legacy in our shul is this idea of the shul not being just beautiful on the inside, not just mattering that the inside looks nice, and that the people are friendly, but that the outside reflects the inside. That we have a shul that is beautiful, that can give back, that inspires us to connect to the shul, even in ways that we wouldn't consider the traditional way to connect to a shul.
That someone who doesn't necessarily find themselves perfectly at home on the second floor of the sanctuary can find themselves at home in their garden and still connect to our shul in that way. And so it's my pleasure, and I think everyone's pleasure, that we're able to dedicate our garden in memory of Jessica. We dedicate it in the name of Gan Zissa. Zissa was Jessica's Hebrew name, the Yiddish name means sweet. And the blessing, obviously, is that garden that is dedicated in memory, and her neshamah will provide sweetness to our shul for many years to come. And also that it will provide for the next generation.
And the next generation will get to be adults. There's a story in the Talmud of Honi the Circle Maker. And he was walking along the way, and he saw this man, this old man, who was planting a carob tree. And apparently it was well known at the time that a carob tree takes 70 years to grow. And he said, "What are you doing? You're planting a carob tree. You're not going to be able to be alive for these carobs." But the man said, "I know, but my grandson will. And my grandson, my grandchildren, will be able to be alive for these carobs. And they will benefit from them." And the story goes that Honi fell asleep for 70 years and woke up. The grandson was now himself an old man and was collecting those carobs.
That is the legacy of the garden. It's not just for the present, but for the future. Not just for the Jessica Friedlanders to plant, but for the Rebecca Swartzes and the Eir Finkelsteins and the Nani Finkelsteins. Hopefully, we don't make too much of a mess in the garden. And the future generations will continue to this project and contribute to the shul and to life and to beauty.
And so... There's a plaque outside now. I think I got a picture of it. It's too hot to invite us all outside. It says,
"Gan Zissa, Bais Abe garden in memory of Jessica Friedlander , dedicated August 17th, 2025, 23 Av 5785."
And so may Jessica's memory be a blessing, and may we all benefit from her legacy and contribute and add to her legacy and make this place more of the place that she helped bring it to be.
David's remarks
Photo by RafaelI apologize for reading off an iPhone here.
So first of all, all of us, myself, my wife Sheryl, my sons Noah and Rafael, my sister Rachel, my nephew Jonathan, all came in from Maryland, and Noah from Chicago. We were so touched by the honor that Bais Abe is bestowing upon our mom, and therefore upon us, the dedication of the Gan Zissa Garden.
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I am in the process, we closed out our mom's apartment, and shipped more than 100 boxes back to Maryland, which I'm currently sorting out and scanning from the papers and so forth. So, over the last 10 days, I ran across a folder which had my mom's notes for the garden here. It had handwritten notes; it had printouts of different things and her planning. And so, these notes were dated between about 2004 and 2013, and comprised a very thorough contemplation of what would work well, and what would thrive, and look pretty, around the Bais Abe Garden. There were also notes of consultation of meeting with Fawn Chapel (who had stopped by earlier this morning), and with Norma Bonham-Shechter, and with Deb Mutchler, who also had a great deal of experience. I also found pages of technical printouts from the Missouri Botanical Gardens' Kemper Center for Home Gardening.
So there would be probably nearly thirty of these documents, each of which were three pages each. What would plant well and what would be challenge. So, what struck me about her notes was that there was a series of choices and alternatives, and basically it seemed like Ecclesiastes brought to gardening.
So, Ecclesiastes, of course, starts out,
"To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under the heaven, a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted",
to which I would elaborate, based on my mom's own notes:
A time for annuals, and a time for perennials.
A time for plants for sun, and plants for shade.
Plants for putting in the ground, plants for containers.
Plants that are green or plants that are red or yellow or purple.
And also, a place for areas that Bais Abe would maintain and areas that would be University City's responsibility to maintain, talking about the trees between the sidewalks and the street.
And a time for trees to be planted and for other items to be taken out. (She certainly cast an eye and said, "that's mangy, needs to go," that sort of thing.)And on top of all these, there were lists of butterfly-attracting plants and other aspects that would make the place sort of self-sustaining and beautiful.
So she was trying to bring beauty to Bais Abe, but she wanted it indeed that when people would walk up the front path, that they found an attractive and welcoming entrance for here, for Bais Abe, which was her home for 48 years since 1977. (She started coming here the summer after my Bar Mitzvah, which was that spring, in April 1977.)
So anyhow, to all of you, thank you. Thank you all so much for remembering and commemorating and honoring her. So thank you.
Rachel's remarks
When Bais Abe Congregation entered my family orbit, nobody had any idea that roughly half a century later, we would gather within walking distance of the family home to dedicate Gan Zissa in memory of Jessica Ruth Friedlander.
Historical hindsight is 20/20, so of course all this makes perfect sense. My mother was a dynamic woman who also touched the lives of many people.
A garden is a defined environment in which natural changes happen. A garden is also a place to recharge body and spirit.
My mother cultivated plenty of people with her hospitality and excellent cooking.
There's a lot that could be said philosophically, and I'm going to not say most of it. As Rabbi Hody said yesterday, to be stiff-necked is both good and bad.
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I lived in Philadelphia, and as an expression I learned from a friend there is "the way will become clear." If you are stuck, what do I do with this situation?
I also learned from my late husband, who read a lot about the Hasidim, this wonderful expression by Nachum of Glatzer. "The world is a narrow place, a very narrow bridge. The main thing is not to be afraid."
And I will have the chutzpah to slightly alter the words of Rashi. "Wherever I'm going, I'm going to the land of Israel." That was on the wall in one of the classrooms or in the hallway of the synagogue school, where I belong, so I can now say, "wherever I am going, I am going to Gan Zissa."
This has been the most amazing gift, coming from a deeply unconventional Jewish family who maintain their deeply unconventional ways, but also affiliation and deep caring. Thank you so much. Thank you.
The day's events were featured in a edition of the shul newsletter, The Shofar (High Holidays 5786/September 2025). In addition to a half page of photographs (multiples of which came from my SmugMug gallery which I had shared with them), the "Message fron the President" (Dan Vianello) on page 2 of The Shofar included:
In a more bitter-sweet moment, we also held an end-of-summer BBQ where we dedicated the shul's garden, now named Gan Zissa, in memory of dear friend Jessica Friedlander. If you haven't yet walked across the side yard to see the garden, please do. Beyond memorializing Jessica and her many years of devotion to Bais Abe, the garden and yard are an easy place to see tangible products of our wonderful community volunteers. Produce from the garden has even been served in our kiddush lunches several times already.
The dedication was also mentioned elsewhere in the same newsletter as one of the "Selected 2024-25 Programmatic Highlights."
Final plaque
Photo credit: Rabbi Finkelstein
It turned out that the plaque displayed on August 17 was a temporary one, and a final brass plaque was put in place about two months later. This is a photo taken October 20.